Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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