I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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