Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
