So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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