I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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