Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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