She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
