It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
