I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
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I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
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I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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