i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
where are you?
Hypothermia
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
