hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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