There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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