i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
