I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
