I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
