I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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