I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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