My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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