ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
