If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
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Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
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Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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