I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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