We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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