All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
