I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
