Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
