you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
