we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
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his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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