This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
