shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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