Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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