The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
