Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
