i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
