Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
