i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
