this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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