just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I need a beard to bite.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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