How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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