I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
