Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
