I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
