I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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