are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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