fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
