Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
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