there's paper in my vomit.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
