I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
