Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
