A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
