I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
