Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The best revenge is premature balding
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
