AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
